Hot Takes 

Paddywagons Standing By

Our friend St. Patrick is revered for ridding Ireland of snakes, but that’s just code for replacing Druid and Pagan churches with Christian ones. If his namesake holiday reflects his personal zeal for fighting and drunkenness, we should all be a little prouder.

Doughnut Worries

One of our beloved town bakeries has been dealt a tough blow. The health inspector has scored it a fifty-seven! The whole town has been in shock, but it seems to me If you eat a doughnut, you also score a 57 for yourself. These treats are for children you weirdos. I see you sitting in your car, chewing with your mouth open, getting sprinkles all over your outfit.

I also noticed a local steak place got an 85- that sounds about right- if you get the salmon.