Melange

Thank You Russia


Thank you Russia for rigging the election. I was really getting tired of explaining to once hopeful teens that America’s full of dimwits. Now it is clearly the superior intellect of the Russians who have fixed our election. The eighties are coming back and apparently that means blaming the Soviets for everything again.
This fake news that Russia fed to Americans is nothing more than the sort of thing an aunt would say to a clergy member on facebook.
How about the FBI agent found dead who happened to be the same one investigating Hillary for that boring email story? Thank you Russia for making it interesting. And how is it okay for cops to kill people but not presidential candidates? Should we not assume they do that sort of thing all the time? The opportunity to kill people is really the only reason I’m running for mayor.
My favorite is the fake story about the Pope endorsing trump. What’s so hard to believe here? The Catholic Church would sooner close a franchise than name a woman as the leader of one. We don’t need Russia to explain this. The new pope is progressive for sure, but he’d be more likely to endorse Hillary getting an abortion than her being any country’s president.
If Russia involved itself at all it was so Putin may find a friend. Not since GW Bush has he had such a friend. None of the other world leaders are as cool as Trump and they have a lot in common: an affinity for gilded gold leaf furniture, and that’s probably enough really.
Also, to the throngs of people who won’t stop complaining about the election’s outcome:
Celebrities- All of you promised to leave and none of you have done so! Only one of you had the decency of having a nervous breakdown as a sign of respect. Thank you Kanye.
Women- You expected the first female president and you should’ve gotten it easily…..if only women had turned out to vote for Hillary we would be once again disinterested in politics.
California- What’s your problem California? You started the whole “elect unqualified people” thing. Remember Reagan and Schwarzenegger? And how about Jerry Brown? You elected that nutball twice.


Larry Thack just lost a cooking challenge to Bobby Flay

Pitchfork Don 11/11/2016- Right after the elections


My studio apartment was a mess Wednesday morning. I’d been playing “Power Hour” with a case of Beast Ice as I colored in the states on a US map. My box of crayons has withered over the years and I only had variations of red, blue, and yellow to use. Cerulean for crooked Hillary, burnt-orange would fittingly work for Trump, and just in case I kept available a dandelion-yellow for Gary Johnson. As much as I like coloring, I really didn’t think I’d be using so much burnt-orange. Although I stayed somewhat neutral during the campaign I do recollect routinely assuring my grandchildren that Trump would never get the Republican nomination. As such I no longer have any credibility with them, but still I’m wondering how did Trump get elected?
I guess I should start with Clinton. Hillary missed the one thing that got her husband elected- the economy. Bill somehow beat a popular and highly capable incumbent president who had decisively and recently won a war- just by focusing on the economy. How else could it be explained that a womanizing draft-dodger could even contend with the beloved Bush at the time. Jogging into McDonalds did make him seem relatable I recall. Clinton’s adviser, James Carville, had a little sign on his desk that said, “It’s the economy, stupid”. Hillary didn’t have that single-issue focus. She had a daily checklist that included directives like, “be tough, yet flexibly yielding” and “smile, but stop smiling”. Then again, a large part of Hillary’s base included Obama supporters who weren’t about to support a campaign based on change- they were just thrilled with how things were. She was forced to run a campaign that was neither motivational nor inspiring. Due to this she was unable to attract new voters and a large swath of dispassionate Obama supporters stayed home. The only thing interesting and laudable about her is that she might be a criminal. In the end, she lost the criminal vote too.
I completely understand how Hillary lost, but Trump’s victory is a little more puzzling. Trump did all the things a mother from the fifties would be ashamed of and somehow still got her vote. Since I’ve figured out how Hillary lost, I’ll spend the next week contemplating how Trump won.
I’m reminded of the time spent in South Carolina growing up- Trump reminds me of a governor named Ben Tillman. Ben went by the nickname “pitchfork” Ben, somewhat because he was an expert farmer, but mostly because he was a loudmouth. Trump likes nicknames, so I think I’ll call him “Pitchfork Don”. Maybe it’ll stick.


Larry Thack just realized he probably shouldn’t have voted Yes on that strip club amendment

Let’s Try Trump 04/22/2016


If you talk to any Trump supporter you’ll get a sense of why the candidate has such a following. The supporter will usually turn red with rage and passion as he discusses the brokenness of our country. But this passion is not always supported by an understanding of what his candidate believes and how Trump can achieve any of the plans he has to make America win again. Would it not be nice to marry the passion with a platform?
Folks, I come to you with specifics! Here’s why we need to elect Donald Trump for president:
The job of presidency ages a person unlike any other. The stresses cause wrinkles and greying the likes of which would be resisted with great fervor by Trump. How his genius might find a way to repel the ravages of age is unknown, but he’s on his way to bringing back the powdered wig. What a nod of respect to our forefathers that would be!
Just as Coke has Pepsi or Athens had Sparta, the election of Trump will create an antagonist that will be his equal. It is likely that this person does not even reside on “the scene” just yet. It could be someone from the Senate, the media, or the senior center. The sparring matches between these two will replace the weather as the topic of conversation for a generation. Domestic travel dollars will skyrocket as foreign borders will be closed to Americans. With Hillary as president we will, at best, get the tedious analysis from an aging Bill O’Reilly or Limbaugh. Aren’t you people curious who this will be? Perhaps a courteous Southerner or youthful Northwesterner who travels with leashed-pet.
Congress will almost instantly fix itself. I once had this old car that would overheat til one day the side mirror popped off in the Capt. D’s drive-through. Car never overheated again. I never could get that old trunk to shut right up until the moment the radio fell out the window. Only one explanation- that car was beset by checks and balances- just like Congress. Balance will be restored as Trump takes the inaugural ride from the Capitol in his presidential motorcade. Which, by the way, will probably be more entertaining than those of previous administrations.
Let’s face it, at my age four years is about all I have left. With Trump as president, crankiness will be the new face of America, the news will be more entertaining, Saturday Night Live will be funny again, and golf will once again seem cool. Give Thack a good, last four years. And the cleanup afterwards will create “tons” of jobs.


Larry Thack used way too small of a font on those little political signs urging people not to vote for Oddo, Barlow, and some other guy

Brexit 07/01/2016

Did the UK make a big mistake last week by leaving the European Union? Of course not! Oh wait, yes.
The formerly civilized and seemingly intelligent country of English made the decision to divorce itself from the European Union based wholly on the hearts of the elderly who are still hiding under staircases from the Nazis. This is something with which I agree. My wise and angry brethren showed up to vote while the lazy youth went to work and failed to vote! Churchill said something like, “the best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter”. Clearly he had a lot of time on his hands.
All last week I listened to my shortwave and heard complaints by the Queen’s aging populace. They’d say things like, “We don’t want to be talked down-to eh-knee-moh” and “bloody poms stow ow jobs”. This whole thing seems to be about Britain having been slighted by other Euro countries through the years. So the entire direction and future of the country might be regarding a comment made twenty years ago about a potato salad?! It seems to me the youth of the country was not properly consulted or represented here. Now the young people of Britain get to live out this referendum as residents of the world’s newest third-world country.
No other world leader said it better than President Obama when he explained that international trade is pretty complex right now. It’s hard enough for us to negotiate deals with the EU, China, South America, and emerging African markets. And negotiating these deals is an ongoing thing. When you break from the European Union you’d better be ready to get to the back of the line. So England, you’re basically being rude for the first time ever, and you’re only hurting yourself. The UK was the only country in the EU that neither started World War II nor was occupied by an aggressor. That’s the psychology that resulted in this break-up. The British were always the outsiders in the EU. Thack knows what it’s like to sit at the lunch table all alone because he watched a CBS After-School Special where that happened to some kid once.
For the last few centuries the world has routinely witnessed the parents of middle-eastern children make bad decisions on behalf of their children. How refreshing to see a western republic so totally destroy its future. Maybe we’re next! Never mind, Trump just ran out of money.


Larry Thack’s wife will have a bottle of Tums for dinner tonight

Larry’s Last Meal 01/09/2016

The end is near. Every day I fall out of bed with my crooked back. My organs are failing as my posture is too hunched for them to operate properly. I have a hernia in my ankle. When I go to my Doctor he lists my maladies as if he’s reciting Seuss. He sings my diagnosis as his heart fills with joy. To add a little variety today I have an infection forming under my index finger where I was stabbed by a golf pencil when reaching into my pocket.
As such it seems time to plan the end properly and choose my last meal. I choose simply, bag-fries. The French fries that have toppled out of the cardboard carrier and now rest among the napkins in the bottom of the fast-food bag. I have several theories on why these are so delectable. Perhaps the proximity to the other fries in the fry-box affects their willingness to be tasty. Like an overcrowded ghetto the fries as a group are listless and unmotivated. But! The ones that escape have a temperature and texture that exceeds their former friends. To this I have found no exception!
Possibly these bag-fries are indeed fully separate from what they scoop into the box. Maybe they have another stash altogether and they toss a few directly into the bag as if it were a mint or fortune cookie.
As we all know carelessness is a virtue. It’s actually the virtue you don’t hear about that often due to its nature of indifference and lack of self-promotion. Carelessness is also called the “mother of invention” and the “eighth wonder of the world”. Without the value of carelessness there would be no such thing as plastic, vulcanized rubber or the Post-It note. Even the proud cousin of the fry, the potato chip, was invented by an offended chef whose patrons complained of thick potato slices. Possibly, the carelessness of loading a bag of fast food has resulted in this wonderful discovery.
So, yeah. That’s what I want on my deathbed.


Larry will spend a quiet weekend recovering in Oregon at a Nat’l wildlife refuge with old friends Clive and Ammon

An Open Letter to the Weather 12/02/2016


Dear Weather,
We’ve had a pretty nice stretch over the last ten years or so and I just want to say, thanks! During the drought a few years ago I was able to really improve my putting stroke and got my handicap into the single digits. I learned to cook a brisket in my fireplace a few ice storms ago, and your wrath has felled numerous trees in my yard saving me thousands. But of all you’ve given me the one thing I appreciate the most is what you’ve done for my conversational skills. Before your erratic mood swings I would have little or nothing to say to acquaintances- you’ve really taken my daily run-ins with colleagues to a new level. Let’s face it, living in the Atlanta area leaves little to discuss with regard to sports.
In fact, I recently attended the funeral of a guy I had only ever talked about you with. We would happen upon each other a couple times a week in the grocery store or on that walking trail near the baseball fields where the crack-addict housewives go jogging. Never would we discuss anything but how you were doing and what you would do next. His widow came up to me at the reception following the burial and gave me one of his medals from Korea. Said she knew we were close. Also, thank you for the torrential downpour with which you overwhelmed the pallbearers. That got many of us through the reception.
Politicians also seem to rely on your conduct for their own talking-points. Since they’ve solved all of our real problems they’re left with little to argue about, so in comes you. Let’s be clear, no one is blaming you for global warming, it’s just how you’re going to act as a result of what we’ve done. What do we expect? You’re like a child we’ve coddled and fed Cosmic Brownies for dinner. Why wouldn’t you start the day with a weird fog resulting in mid-afternoon wind then freezing rain for the drive home? I need to find that Al Gore book and read the first chapter again.
How about all the great words we have to describe your deeds? From Derecho to Haboob your winds are all the rage in the world of shallow conversations. I wonder what a squall line is? I need to do a little research before later tonight when I go buy firewood- someone might ask me what I need it for.
So thanks Weather! I can almost always confidently stride into my local Krublix and not fear some nitwit recognizing me. I’ll always have you to discuss.



Larry Thack’s Jazzercise closed, then reopened and never told him.

Treemageddon III 12/04/2015


Perhaps you remember the first occurrence of Treemageddon in Fayette County when a property owner had a large swath of trees removed by greedy pulp-wooders who left an unsightly expanse of what appeared to be scorched-earth in a warzone. For months residents would look out their front doors and see the grounds outside their homes still ragged and smoking from the slaughter. These greedy woodsmen struck again on Gingercake road months later promising to clean up a homeowner’s yard but left nothing more than stumps and broken promises.
Folks, it has happened again. While sipping my pineapple chicken latte on the lanai at Truett’s Luau the other day I saw a shocking site. Just across the highway along highway 85 a huge tract of trees had been cut down. It was Treemageddon all over again. Imagine my shock then, when I turned my head just left of the scene and saw a bunch of trees for sale! Apparently some hoodwinker thinks he can cut down a bunch of trees, slap a price tag on ‘em and call them Christmas trees. And it’s only a hundred yards down the street! How bold a thief to sell his dirty wares right there where he purloined them. Why I was so upset I couldn’t finish my bowl of Udong noodles.
As your future mayor, I pledge to continue to complain about this for a few months.



Larry Thack’s ascot was guzzled-up by a car wash vacuum this morning.

Uber Thack 10/02/2015


Being on a fixed income is trying to say the least. I have made fewer more difficult decisions in my life than choosing from either the Trump hat or T-shirt on his presidential-fundraising website. Everything’s twenty bucks! Even the yard signs cost money. The cost of hero-worship is relative to its value I suppose. As such, I have chosen to supplement my income by becoming an Uber driver.
My Uber-car is the finest in town. The ashtrays have been filled with mixed nuts, there are hot towels in a tin for weary travelers, and the Gregorian Monks chant soothingly as we glide to your destination.
I have just a few personal rules as an Uber driver that I keep for myself to make the experience both pleasant and safe. First of all, I will not pick up anyone named Roy. I’ve had way too many run-ins with “Roys” over the years and I don’t particularly cotton the thought of having my back turned to one. The whole idea just makes my skin crawl.
Also, pets are not permitted in my vehicle except for service animals. By service animals I am of course referring to helper monkeys and therapy dogs, or “emotional support dogs”. To ensure the dog is not merely a pet, its handler must first endure an interrogation as to the particular requirement he/she has for this animal. Birds are allowed, but only if they speak. There is a pet-bed in the trunk.
I require my riders to carry on a conversation with me. I keep a stack of pamphlets in the armrest that are filled with appropriate “conversation starters”. If my patron is on a phone call, he can simply put it on speakerphone.
As an Uber driver it is important that you not let your fares murder you. That is why I greet each patron with a bible verse. Having religion imposed on a person generally makes him relaxed and trusting.
So look for me around town. I will be in the nondescript late-model sedan in gray with no bumper stickers or taxi signage.

Larry Thack’s Graveyard Hide N’ Seek has been postponed due to weather/ sickness

Assimilate and/or Die 09/18/2015


It has become increasingly difficult to sleep through the night as I creep closer to death. No matter what time I fall asleep I find myself awakening six to seven hours later unable to fall back asleep. I just want to sleep through the darkness of the early morning when dread fills my mind and I restlessly struggle for comfort. Strangely enough I have found hope. Envisioning a Trump presidency is my primary strategy for finding the peace I need to regain sleep and then awaken cheerful and ready for the day.
The Republican debates on Wednesday stretched on for hours. Fortunately I was able to tape them and fast forward through any parts where Trump wasn’t speaking. This was also handy so I could go back and replay anything witty or charming he said. So, in the end, the debates did take several hours for me to complete.
I’m sure you reader(s) didn’t actually watch these debates, unless you get extra credit for a class, so I’ll fill you in on the details.
That night the Reagan Presidential Library looked and felt like the candidates were at a Jr. High School assembly. With the exception of the giant airplane in the background that symbolizes Reagan’s love for air-traffic controllers, this could’ve been Woodrow Wilson Middle School. Trump was clearly the cool kid who had seemingly hit his growth spurt early while the rest of the candidates looked like awkward teens. Very little policy was discussed as the tension needed to be cleared over allegations that Mr. Trump was being mean. They all threw various grievances at Trump, whom they called Donald, an apparent jab in and of itself as he prefers being addressed by his cooler last name. All of his opponents had some gripe of Trump having either picked on them or their girlfriends. He’d bullied others or called them ugly. His gambling was also called into question and if the candidates were in agreement of any one thing it was that Trump is definitely not invited back to Rand’s house after we’re done here.
Bush complained Trump had picked on his wife and asked him to apologize. He denied that he had done anything wrong but added that he had heard Mrs. Bush was a “lovely woman”. That was a pretty cool thing to say since we all know they used to go out but split up over the summer.
Carly Fiorina was upset that Trump had teased her for being ugly but it’s clear that he just likes her a whole lot and can’t figure out how to say it.
Rand Paul was furious that Trump was making fun of his hairdo. Trump denied this allegation but assured Rand he could if he wanted to.
Trump’s got my vote for winner of this debate. He was definitely the coolest kid on the stage that night. He’s got the money, the grades, the looks, and he does that cool thing with his lips when he’s listening.
Bobby Jindal was also in attendance.


Larry Thack puts his pants on one thumb at a time

Threat to Society 05/09/2015


Part of my morning routine involves visiting the Fayetteville McDonald’s drive-through for breakfast. There are two here in town but I only go to the good one. Once the menu at the bad one had me salivating on my steering wheel with the promise of buy one get one free McFish sandwiches but the girl at the window claimed it was a mistake and tried to replace it with a quarter pounder- nice try! Another time I got a Coke that smelled like gasoline. I intended to have it tested but was overcome by thirst.
Anyway, my typical breakfast is a complicated order and I always get a little nervous sitting in my car that I’ll mess it up and provoke the ire of the McDonald’s staff. Our Lord has sent these miracles to serve us with speed and a friendliness we truly do not deserve. I will not accept of myself anything but the same precision when ordering, which is why I follow a script that goes as follows: “Good morning Ma’am. May I please have an oatmeal and an egg and cheese biscuit, but would you please substitute an English muffin for the biscuit?” This is followed with nothing more or less than a “yes” and/or “no ma’am” and possibly a “thank you,” but by no means any hesitancy or conversation that might slow the line. It is also important to speak in an audible, but also meek and submissive voice that conveys your yielding to their leadership role here.
However remarkable these employees are, McDonald’s corporate is handcuffing their haste by requiring a script of their own when greeting customers. You might hear the following greeting these days: “Welcome to McDonald’s, would you like to try our southern chicken biscuit meal today?” Well now what am I supposed to do? I have my scripted order all ready and now they want to change my mind. The responsible customers in line understand the speed at which this line needs to move in order to avoid chaos. Anyone who doesn’t know precisely what they want to order upon reaching the drive-through window’s ordering gramophone is a threat to society. Who but a complete psychotic would dare hold up a busy drive-through line to peruse the menu?
This is a high-pressure situation for customers and McDonald’s employees alike. I am speaking directly to the McDonald’s Corporation here as a customer and shareholder- Please remove this policy as it is clearly a threat to our society.

Small Business Saturday 11/29/2014


Today is Small Business Saturday around the county and I plan on getting out there and supporting these folks. There are a lot of small businesses around town I have been meaning to visit but in some cases I’m a bit late….
The Spy Store over by the Dollar Theater was probably the most interesting place I failed to visit. But, I’m told I didn’t miss much. My wife said it was more about invading someone’s privacy than the real-life Sharper Image catalog from the eighties I envisioned.
Where else can I find a slice of pizza to go with my hotdog now that Upscale Pizza is gone? Many restaurants have sadly come and gone over the years. Remember the DuRoc and the Malt Shoppe? Outstanding! My kids used to love a visit to Melear’s Barbecue after church. They’d often say “even the sweet tea has barbecue in it.” Now Shane’s Rib Shack at the Kroger shopping center on south 85 can try to avoid the fate that has befallen its predecessors like Spinal Tap drummers. Who hasn’t enjoyed a meal at Malone’s, Loco’s, Golden’s, or Longbranch?
Two of my favorite stores that closed before their times were the Fayette Gift Shop next to our Original Waffle House and the RFD Business Center in what is now Firehouse Subs in Hudson Plaza. I loved the fact that I could buy gifts and then gamble or make copies then gamble. I was there for the grand opening of the Business Center. It was during one of our January snowstorms that closed the schools. Pizza was served to their first customers but I was unable at the time to explain to my grandchildren why they had to be eighteen or older to make copies or eat pizza.
It’s been said that small businesses are the backbone of American business but I think they’re more like the heel bone. Maybe I have a general misunderstanding of the “bone metaphor”, but it would seem Walmart would be more like the backbone. They probably have more employees than the federal government and pay a nice chunk of taxes. You think that roadside fruit guy is paying taxes and hiring with non-discriminatory practices? Now that I think of it small businesses tend to have that grumpy old owner who glooms over his outdated shop filled with signs that say things like “my way or the highway”.
Of course we all love these places. Where would we be without small businesses? How could newspapers fill last-minute ad space? Where would cheerleaders and yearbook staffs beg for money? Where would annoying people spend their free-time? Our support is our duty!


Larry Thack Ran for 38 yards in his family’s Thanksgiving Touch-Football Game

Kein Cookie! 3/21/2015

The other day while exiting a local retail store I was ambushed by a Girl Scout peddling cookies. The wave of dread one feels upon realizing that a social standoff is likely to occur in the next few seconds is indescribably delightful. I used to come to these fights unprepared, but now I have a list.
Like the shrapnel lodged in my neck I have burned this list of “Reasons I Cannot Buy Your Cookies” into my brain for all ensuing battles with whatever troop of scouts I might encounter:
• Sorry, they make my mouth bleed.
• I used to date Juliette Gordon Low- the cookies provoke bad memories.
• Sure! I’ll be right back. Let me get a large empty box to put all the cookies I will buy from you into! Be right back……
• What’s your return policy?
• Fox News told me not to buy cookies from you.
• I promised myself no indulgences ‘til Rick Astley releases another single.
• Last time I didn’t get a receipt.
• I’m under contract with Lorna Doone- sorry.
• Cookies give me foot hives.
• No thanks, I just ate.
• Is there weed in them? ……No thanks.
• Sorry, I’m giving up talking to ugly girls for Lent.

The victims are plentiful for the scouts. No doubt the retailer was extorted into giving this little criminal refuge. What could you say as the manager of the business? There’s no question they make customers uncomfortable and discourage repeat business. Maybe they could be planted in front of the returns desk if they want to do some good. I know I’d think twice about seeking a refund if I had to do battle with the scouts.
So jk and lol girls! Keep selling your poison in front of businesses who can’t wait for you to pack it up and go back to your American Girl dolls and beading classes.


Larry Thack is the author of Chicken Soup for the Boxed-Wine Drinker’s Soul

My Interview with President Trump 07/10/2015


Donald Trump recently said, “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created”. I sat down with President Trump to discuss his candidacy last week at a church he recently foreclosed on for the interview.
Despite reports in all publications throughout the world I found the man to be affable and unassuming. He beat me five straight times at tic-tac-toe prior to the interview and informed me that my elementary school was renamed Trump Country Day School after he breezed through my hometown in the mid-eighties. He consumed a small golden cylinder of shortbread cookies in a single gulp and motioned for a servant to bring him a stack of newspapers. He exhibited his picture across all front pages and pointed out that other candidates were buried in the papers’ interior. While he agreed with himself that all press regarding Trump is good press, he was leery about being misquoted. Last week he lost all hope of attaining a single Hispanic vote after calling Mexicans rapists. After his difficulties with his last press conference he decided that his responses should be “off the record” and I was quick to submit to the wishes of my lord. Trump then propped himself onto the altar, feet dangling in mid-air, and ate cake frosting from a tube while I asked him about his platform.
Among his plans is an updating of our nuclear arsenal. According to President Trump, Vladimir Putin is laughing at us because we are using thirty-year old nuclear missile technology. Under a Trump presidency a slight such as this would no longer occur and he claims that he will get the Russians to pay for the whole thing.
At the door of the church knocks a delivery man who brings Trump a tin of Charles Chips. As he settles into a narrow pew he explains his plans for education in America. “You see this tin of chips Larry? This tin represents Common Core.” Trump shoveled the chips in his mouth and seemed to make his point as chip-debris fell on the velvet pew cushions. “…and that’s why we’re educating our children no better than a third world country. I’ll fix all that and get the Haitians to pay for it.”
Trump claims that he will kill the Affordable Care Act on day one of his presidency and imprison President Obama at Guantanamo Bay. He will also get tough on the Chinese, taxing all of their imports by 25%, except for Chinese food, which he rather enjoys. The retirement age will gradually move up one month per month starting in 2024 until the death of arch-enemy Rosie O’Donnell.
At this point President Trump had to excuse himself for a lunch meeting but was kind enough to autograph his picture for me. And I kept my word, leaving out all the oddball stuff he did and idiotic stuff he said “off the record”.


Larry Thack has decided to just let that tick go ahead and dig-in.

Confederate Flag Uproar 06/27/2015

Earlier today I lowered the confederate flag in my back yard for good. I plan to give it a proper folding and take it to that mailbox in front of the log cabin downtown for an eventual burning.
I bought that flag at a highway gas station in a hillbilly mountain town in 1988 where they make the news on account of the local sheriff has a Trans Am and is just waiting for city folk to dare speed in his 2.2 mile jurisdiction. He makes the national news every five or six years for this. I didn’t buy the flag because I believed the south was going to rise again or as an homage to my heritage. (I do in fact have a great grandfather who we believe accidentally set Richmond on fire.) I bought the flag because it was a bizarre aberration that within normal society you wouldn’t find. If you were to find a relic like this you were certainly outside of “somewhere”. Coming home to civilization with my prize, I felt like Cortes returning with some Cholulan treasure. It was weird and unusual and the wrongness of it made it all the more interesting. Now I hear that Sears and Target had this stuff all along? Don’t be fooled citizens! The confederate flag was beyond taboo thirty years ago. Somehow it has crept back into our culture and like any fad we should be glad to see it pass.
The entertainment value of the people who claim the flag should remain in our consciousness and at our courthouses has been unrivaled this week. These people they interview on news shows who claim the flag honors their heritage are preposterously delightful. More than likely this poor guy’s great, great uncle was told he’d lose his land if’n he didn’t fight. This guy probably had a humble, rock-covered farm. He certainly couldn’t afford to own any slaves. He returned to his farm after the war with one leg and an opium addiction. Those were good times though: bivouacking next to corpses, the intermittent camp-fever, the starry nights you couldn’t experience due to a vitamin A deficiency that caused night-blindness. Yes, that’s the sort of heritage I want to remember. Maybe what heritage-guy is trying to convey is that the flag is the scar that reminds him not to fight unwinnable wars. I have a scar on my pinky that reminds me not to hand wash wine glasses, so I get it!
However distasteful the confederate flag is, I understand why it’s still flying at some municipalities. In defense of the government buildings in South Carolina and elsewhere I’ll say this: It is the duty, responsibility, and calling for all state and federal employees to hurt people’s feelings.

Larry Thack can no longer properly guide his vehicle through the auto-teller at the bank.

Obama Library Coming To Fayetteville 03/14/2015

I sat down with the President earlier this week when he was in town to give a speech at Georgia Tech.
Access to the President is something I enjoy from having worked on his first presidential campaign as his official “Slogan-Writer”. I come from a long line of campaign slogan-writers dating back to Henry Clay. Remember this classic: “Who is James K. Polk?” That bit of biting sarcasm was the work of my great, great grandfather, John C. Calhoun, one of Clay’s good friends. That didn’t win Clay the election but Calhoun switched sides eight years later to help out Franklin Pierce’s campaign with this one: “We Polked you in ’44, We shall Pierce you in ‘52”. He was a genius at sloganning and was posthumously credited with Mckinley’s 1900 slogan “Four More Years of the Full Dinner Pail”. In later years my grandfather would help Harding “Return to Normalcy” and even my mother-in-law was into the family trade. Not surprisingly, she came up with the very catchy, “We Can Do Better” for Kennedy. She was always saying that.
I came up with the line, “Change We Can Believe In” for the 2008 campaign. It was shortened from the original, “Change as a Concept that is Somewhat Believable”. That’s the true art in Sloganning- rearranging words to be more digestable. For instance, the word “Hope” on Obama’s campaign posters was merely a reduction of this: “I really Hope he wins so I can cash in on all these entitlements”.
Although we are friends, this was not a social meeting for we had business of great and historic importance. I explained to Barry that as his tenure as our great leader comes to a close it is time to start planning the Obama Presidential Library. This to me is the whole point of being elected. Your legacy a shrine and museum for all to enjoy. Furthermore, tradition has thrown in the library part just to keep everyone quiet- how perfect! I could really use a place like this in town too. Ever since they tore down Shannon Mall there’s nowhere for me and my friends to exercise. I explain that this is a real solution for the president as this will be a more difficult choice for him than perhaps any former president. Rather than insult his home country of Kenya, home state of Hawaii, or home city of Chicago why not pick a neutral site. One in which he’ll have the full love and support of its citizens. Why not build your Library right down the street in Fayetteville?
The President fully agreed with me and we shall break ground on the tract of land between Dunkin Donuts and The Ford dealership in the spring following his final term.

Larry Thack holds the State Record in the mile for racewalking

7/24/2015
I’m currently in training for the Atlanta Thanksgiving Day Half Marathon and as such I find myself training downtown quite a little bit.
Downtown Fayetteville offers many challenging training routes that take you from the abandoned carwash to the carwash “under new management”. There are few towns in the United States that are as idyllic in which to dash about as ours but there are, of course, some pitfalls. I’ve learned there are a few places you’ll want to avoid: Jogging in front of the Donut place will likely get you run down by a fatty, the alley behind Betty’s Fine Collectibles stinks of rotting discarded college memorabilia, and if you go far enough north you’ll get tired.
The new courthouse is one of my favorite places to train. There’s a nice loop through the parking lot and the building itself is two stories of stairs and upper sidewalks on which to run. On Thursday however, my morning jog was interrupted by a letter I found outside of an office in this area. The letter was opened and addressed to our city manager. It’s my duty to report the contents of that letter here, in the pages of our legal organ:
Dear Mr. Gibson,
Thank you for your interest in becoming a host-city for the National Championship of Boiled Peanuts. We are impressed with your town’s commitment to staging semi-monthly events that feature down-home such n’ such’s involving crafts, garbage made in garages, stained glass crap, and welded junk. Given your dedication to funnel cakes and fried pickles we feel our tournament would be a perfect fit in your town. The Boiled peanut has long been a mainstay of southern small-town events and with your help we plan to take this nut to the top. Together we can poison and disgust a full community of fair-type-peoples.
Regards,
Margie Holmes
Margie seems to know his stuff, and I love a boiled peanut now and again. Well done, City Manager Gibson. We need more leaders like you with the vision to take our town from failed railroad depot to “Peanut Point”.

Larry Thack got charged for early-termination-fees just like he figured he would